Whenever I try to not be awkward, it only gets worse.
I’m a very social person who struggles with social interaction. I’ve never been one to say the right thing at the right time and, try as I might, I’m usually not smooth and effortless in conversation. I don’t effuse cool, as much as I’d like to, and I’m not sure of myself, as desperately as I want to be.
I’m an awkward individual.
I know what I want to say and it might take me a few tries to get it right, but please do not be turned off at my inability to get my words to line up. That’s what I struggle with. I’m the girl who says the wrong thing and then follows it up with more wrong things.
It’s the worst over texting. Today, in trying to make plans with someone, I said “Fine by me!” and meant for it to be completely innocuous. After rereading and mulling it over, in context my “Fine by me!” seemed like maybe it could be taken as offensive and hurtful, so I tried to explain myself.
I should know better than to try and explain myself but I don’t. And I make things awkward.
I don’t want to be awkward. I’d like to have a conversation with someone and not scare them away when an awkward-attack strikes. It’s not that I’m a weird person – I don’t smell or have scary hobbies like taxidermy and I’m interested in perfectly normal things like music and books and bike rides. I’m not awkward because I’m weird and nobody knows how to interact with me. I’m awkward because I care too much about what people think, and it makes me stumble over my words in trying to communicate effectively.
I like people and I want to be liked by people and I’ve grown weary of the fear that being awkward will make people not like me.